Top 12 Tips for Parents Whose Kids Are Going Away to College

Going away to college for the first time (or the second in the case of transfer students) is an emotional experience for families. Probably more so for parents. Each year at Parent Orientation I talk to incoming student's parents about some of the challenges they and their student will face. Here are the top 12 tips I always tell parents on the momentous day when they will drive away and leave their students behind... 

1. Smile!
   
   You have to be your son or daughter’s biggest cheerleader and supporter. It is tempting to be nostalgic and focus on your own feelings during this time. Your son or daughter is entering a new, exciting, and scary stage of their life. If you express your worries or that you miss them before you leave, it may create an even more difficult time of transition for them.
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2. Leave a Note.
   
   Many times it is easier to say things you want to say in writing, and far less emotional. A note or card of encouragement left somewhere for them to find after you are gone will probably be something they will treasure, remember, and revisit. Word it carefully so it doesn’t make them homesick. Of course it always helps to include some cash as well! 
   
   
3. Call Strategically. 
   
   In this day of cell phones, we all talk to each other far more often than we used to. Encourage independence by reducing your calls to a few times per week rather than several times or even once per day. Some students will, of course, call you more frequently, others not so much. There is a delicate balance between maintaining too much involvement and not communicating at all. Of course, this suggestion will be guided by your pre-established family culture. Within reason, allow your student to set the pace regarding communication. It validates your confidence in them and their ability to be independent.
   
   
4. Expect THE Call.
   
   Going to college is one of the most life-changing, exciting and, at the same time, traumatic events anyone will ever go through. Separating from family and friends has a certain finality about it that compounds the emotional level of the experience. Many parents will receive a call that includes phrases like: “I hate it here,” “I haven’t made any friends,” “I don’t like any of my classes,” etc. Many times students have just hit their first major hurdle that they have to conquer on their own, or perhaps they are just feeling homesick. Listen carefully, be supportive, but be firm in letting them know that they have to finish the semester and complete their work. Don’t bring this conversation up again unless they do, because most of the time they get over it and move on. Reminding them of the discussion will probably just be a source of embarrassment.
   
   Most of the time your son or daughter will just need to talk and to know that someone who cares is listening. If you feel the problem is deeper than just socialization or frustration, call the Student Development Office (402-363-5614). They will see that someone checks to make sure everything is okay.
   
   
5. Get Used to Text Messages.
   
   These will be the most likely and consistent venues for communication if they aren’t already. Don’t be surprised by a response at 2 AM. Much of what happens in a college student’s life, other than classes and scheduled events, will happen at odd hours.
   
   
6. Ask General Questions. 
   
   When you talk to your son or daughter, allow them to guide the discussion. When you ask questions, leading questions like “How are your classes going?” or “How is the cafeteria food?” are all you usually need to get things going. You will get better answers than to questions like “What is your roommate like?” The roommate may be in the room. If they want to talk about individuals, they will. Usually, the less you ask, the more they will tell you.
   
   
7. Talk about Social Media.
   
   It is amazing what students put on social media sites without thinking of the consequences. Most graduate schools and employers now look at these sites to get general impressions of students. Of course, at a college like York College, there are some lifestyle concerns that may actually get them into disciplinary situations. Since there is no statute of limitations on how long items stay on some of these sites, it is possible that a comment or activity several days, months, or even years ago may come back to haunt them. Encourage your son or daughter to use discretion with all social media.
   
   
8. Encourage Involvement.
   
   The value of college lies not only in the classroom experience, but in the socialization and maturation that students gain through interaction with others and by assuming leadership roles. This is a special emphasis at York. While some students may overdo involvement, there will be no other time in their lives when they have the opportunity, time and energy to engage in a wide range of activities. This also encourages interaction with other students in a variety of settings and broadens their educational experience.
   
   
9. Don’t Make Surprise Visits.
    
   Showing up unexpectedly may be awkward for both of you. If they have decided to go on a date that evening or have a trip planned to see a movie, etc., they may feel torn and you may feel unappreciated and unimportant. Neither of these should be the case.
   
   
10. Helicopters and Velcro. 
    
    There has been no era in the history of higher education where parents have had such an integral part in students’ lives and decisions. While this is laudable in most cases, it can also cause some real stress as students become more independent and self-sustaining. College professionals have coined phrases for parents that are too involved in their student’s lives and decisions. Helicopter parents are those who are always hovering. Students feel compelled to check every decision with their parents. Well-meaning helicopter parents are inclined to give advice for everything when they might often do a better service by saying, “this should be your decision.” Even worse are Velcro parents, who cannot be separated from their child’s life. This latter over-involvement usually ends up with a student leaving college and living at home.
    
    Always be interested in decisions you encourage your student to make without being critical or judgmental of that decision. If they make decisions that are wrong, they will suffer the consequences, but having supportive parents through the process will encourage them to know that the mistake they made was probably worth the experience and knowledge they gained. Many times these will be the experiences they look back on years later as turning points in their lives.
    
    
11. Remind Them of Consequences.
    
    At the same time, some mistakes have consequences that are far-reaching. For example, decisions dealing with drugs or alcohol could cost them their college experience. Encourage them to be familiar with the guidelines of York College and live within them to insure the mistakes they make are manageable. This includes decisions to skip classes and chapel, etc.
    
    
12. Start Making Friends.
    
    You have raised your children to be independent adults. Often you think that has happened before they left home. To reuse a time-worn phrase, “You ain’t seen nuthin yet!” When students go off to college, the social, spiritual and intellectual growth curve is off the charts. Often when they come home, especially for the first time, they may appear a bit resentful and maybe even arrogant. After all, they have been making their own decisions, getting up on their own, etc. for several months.
    
    Bear with them in this transition. We will be working on it on our end as well. However, this is the time when the roles will begin to shift. Parents who survive this transition are usually those who start treating their children as adults and trying to build friendships rather than keep the family dynamic of priority and authority. You will aid this process by asking their opinions more, being attentive when they talk, etc. While they still may not have the wisdom and maturity they think they have, your reaction to them will begin to establish your life-long relationship.
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The phenomenal growth that students experience while away from home at college can be the beginning of a new and more fulfilling relationship with these amazing young adults.
Go Panthers!